Bye...

Currently Listening In Case We Die By Architecture in Helsinki see related

Mardi Gras!!! WHOOOO!!!

Fat Tuesday at 18th and Wyandott was, as always, one of the best parties of the year.  Some, however, enjoyed it more than others.  My day started off with an hour bus ride into the city so that I could meet with my new PO.  It turns out that she wasn't in so I ended up talking to someone else and being rescheduled for next Tuesday which was a pain in the ass though fairly uneventful.

From there I rode the bus back to Broadway to enjoy the beautiful weather and a tall glass of iced tea.  That's when I ran into my  most recent ex-girlfriend.  This turned out to be especially wierd because it so happens that she haddn't even read the e-mail I sent her the day before detailing my feelings in reference to our so-called relationship.  So we went for a walk and had a talk and I thought we came to a very mutual understanding that we both felt really good about.

So it came to my attention that the anual Mardi Gras festivities were getting underway later that evening and I proposed that we all hang out just to ensure that we didn't let things get wierd between us.  I thought it would be a good idea to establish a good president of being cool with eachother.  Unfortunatley the only president observed was the one that had been adopted over the coarse of the last week which basically involved ingnoring me in general and ditching me whenever convenient.

Being stranded at the Sleeper Cellar is no big deal but being stranded at 18th and Vine with no phone and no money does present some very real dificulties.  Thank the Universe that my evening of angry sobriety and general soul suffocating anxiety was brought to an end by a good friend who went out of her way to rescue me.  By the time it was all over I was just glad that I was exhausted enough to pass out and forget about the entire night.

So, needless to say, I'm just soooo excited for first fridays!  It's only Wed. and I'm already asking myself, will it be more depressing to stay home or to actually go?  The mathematics of despair!  If the last couple of weeks are factored into that equation I would probably come to the conclution that I should never leave the house again.  The thing is though, with my unique brand of fuzzy logic, I don't know if I can honestly say that zero is ever truly greater than a negative number.  I mean, at least something's happening to the grass on the other side.  The Fence is just an arbitrary divider...

Actually I think I will go out but from now on my activites and activity partners are going to be far more exclusive and carefully selected.  Jason's got a car now and we've got a long standing, open invitation to come down to Columbia and kick it with some very beautiful and exciting individuals.  On top of that there's always the privacy of the RecordBar and the NewRoom as well now that they're carding on the weekends.  Plus, now that the weather's getting nicer parks are going to be an option again too.

Who knows?  We'll see!  And all those other things we tell ourselves when we really don't quite know if it's really going to be alright!  One thing's for sure and that's the fact that I am totally done surrounding myslef with a buch of people that don't mean anything to me and vice versa.  That and I'm probably just stressed due to the whole job situation.  But there's always light at the end of the tunnel.  I should know.  I've been chasin' it for a long time...

Currently Listening Lonesome Crowded West By Modest Mouse see related

Meltdown!!!

Yet another embarrasing display on my behalf Sat. night...  At this point I can't deny the fact that all of Midtown thinks I'm some kind of raving lunatic...  Maybe I am but I didn't use to be so unstable...  I never thought I'd say it but I think I may need some amount of therepy to deal with this... 

My feelings on the matter break down into a whole series of factors and variables that I'm unable to control and I think, for me being a very concious and cognizant person, that translates into an overwhelming sense of anxiety, helplessness, and loss, ultimatley resulting in various forms of self-destructive and alienating behavior...  And of coarse that only perpetuates the broad range of psychological and emotional issues that lead to said breakdown in the first place... 

Perhaps I would have been better equiped to deal with the sudden and unexpected appearance of my X if my current girlfriend hadn't disappeared on me shortly before this all went down...  This is why nice guys are few and far between...  No one has that long of a shelf life before they become damaged goods and my heart got thrown out a year ago...  I'd like to think certain individuals might care enough to dumpster it but as of yet I'm unconvinced...

I'm dealing with this now because otherwise it's going to fuck my entire week up...  How can one person so perfectly personify every one of my faults and failures?  They are a black hole that sucks away anything good that I could possibly feel for myself...  While they once reflected possibilities beyond my wildest dreams, they've become some kind of cold dark mirror revealing only the most grusome and nightmarish image of my life...  It is truly and utterly crippling...

But obviously that's all me...  I get that but it doesn't make it hurt less...  And I've come a long way but that shit just caught me off guard...  I was not mentally prepared to deal with it and unfortuatley was already in a vulnerable state of mind due to some other broad...  It would be nice if I could find my sense value and worth from some other aspect of my life than my romantic relationships but the State has been the biggest cock blocker of all in that respect...

So, here's where I'm at...  Can't make any money in a restaurant in the city due to stiff competition for shifts but I can't keep a job in a restaurant in the suburbs due to the fact that I'm weird and just don't fit in...  I make better money in a restaurant than doing retail but if the last couple of years are any indication I can't really get ahead if I'm employed for a few months and then have to take off one or two to find another job... 

I need to make somewhere in the neighborhood of 3000 to move so I'm going to breakdown and get some shitty hourly paying gig, disappear, save all my money, be a hermit, and try to forget that the last year even happened...  I'm tired of spinning my wheels and getting nowhere...  But most of all I can't bear to let these people who have meant so much to me see me like this ever again...  I just hope that when I do leave people will remember the person I used to be rather than this thing that I've become...

Currently Listening Transatlanticism By Death Cab for Cutie see related

Good times...

Currently Listening Carousel Waltz By Robot Ate Me see related

Damn I'm Manic!!!

Currently Listening Oh, Inverted World By The Shins see related